It was almost dusk on one of those perfect days in late Summer. Krabmann, our host, eased his bulk out of the sturdy Planters chair and set about freshening our drinks, pausing occasionally to listen to the muffled sounds of the women-folk joyfully washing and rinsing our dive gear in the wet area beneath the verandah.
“Let’s face it, lads.”, he whispered, “we’ve become nothing more than sex objects; dinosaurs whose time has nearly come.”
Nobody disagreed: In part because we were drinking Krabmann’s private stock but also because, when it comes to sex, Krabmann is somewhat of an expert.
Author of numerous books and papers on the bizarre mating practices of marine creatures, Krabmann’s works have been variously described as, “doing for coral reefs what the Kinsey Report did for the suburbs: Makes you wonder about the neighbours.”; and, “The Diving Deviate’s ‘Kama Sutra’.”
Combining a genuine thirst for scientific understanding with the entrepreneurial instincts of a sideshow barker aware that nothing sells like sex, Krabmann’s lectures always played to packed audiences on the dive show speaker circuit.
Claiming that the increasing popularity of his talks was a reaction to society’s growing concern with sexual harassment and gender based discrimination, Krabmann maintained that people’s inability to differentiate between these two social manifestations would ultimately halt the evolutionary process and bring about humanity’s slow devolution. A lengthy process in which – if I understood his theory correctly? – the human race would eventually adopt the sexual characteristics of the lower marine orders, winding up, for example, like a sea-cucumber with gonads in our head and breathing through our fundamental orifice.
“Don’t misunderstand me.” he hastily added. “I absolutely condemn any form of sexual harassment. The abuse of position or power in return for sexual favours is indefensible. The fact that diving’s one of the few activities that can be enjoyed by both men and women on equal terms, and where participants get the opportunity to rip their clothes off in mixed company, is neither here nor there. Although a fine line often exists between an indecent proposal and a flirtatious comment we all have a responsibility to respect the rights and feelings of others. To do otherwise would be less than civilised.
“No! The real problems lie in the area of so called sexual discrimination. This attempt to blur the gender distinctions between men and women is just so much shark dribble. We’re swimming against the evolutionary tide.” Krabmann paused to open another bottle of his favourite tipple, ‘Old Cobblers’, before continuing.
“Take nudibranchs, for example. They’re hermaphrodites with the sexual functions of both male and female. Been given every opportunity to better themselves and they still don’t know whether they’re Arthur or Martha? They mate as males, adopt the female role to lay eggs and then die.
“And what about sea-horses?” Krabmann paced the verandah deck, his rhetoric spurred on by frequent sips from his glass. “Complete role reversal. The female impregnates the male with her eggs. He then fertilises them inside his own body and carries them through the gestation period up until birth.
“The marine world is filled with strange and peculiar changes of this sort; a transformation in which seemingly normal creatures can sometimes turn into very unattractive specimens who … Aaaarrgh!”
The wimmin-folk, having finished their post-dive maintenance chores, appeared on the verandah just in time to witness Krabmann, in an excess of enthusiasm, and with arms waving wildly, topple from the edge of the verandah straight into a bougainvillea bush.
“Carried away by his silly theories, I suppose?” said Krabmann’s long suffering wife.
“Actually, I rather think it was a load of ‘Old Cobblers’.” Replied our nervous boat skipper.
—ENDS—
The above article first appeared in Asian Diver Magazine in June 1997 and was intended to highlight the fact that all forms of sexual harassment and discrimination are to be roundly condemned.
Categories: Counter-Strike
NEKTONIX 